When I was a kid, my Dad always told me, “If you want to keep friends, don't discuss your views on religion or politics.”
This I have held to, and tried to keep my beliefs to myself -- for the most part. But today, I tentatively threw my hat into my local political arena -- so to speak. And I was censored for my opinions!! HA! Since that happened - I think I shall go ahead and make a comment about religion. Might as well, I’m all ready batting 0 for 0!
I was raised in a combination fundamental/ecumenical religion. I realize that statement is an oxymoron.....but it is, in this case, true. We observed all of the Old Testament Holy Days, like in Judaism. And we kept many of the kosher eating laws, except the pareve part of the law. We kept seventh day Sabbath like Adventists, but ate meat and danced. We believed in Christ and his return to the earth accompanied by war, end times, and tribulation. So add in some Jehovah's Witness and rapture tenets for good measure! We learned scripture, the Ten Commandments and that Christ came to forgive us of our sins, but we didn't celebrate Christmas or Easter. There were so many changes in doctrines over the years that there is now a splinter group for every differing opinion, and the original church -- once HUGE on the Pasadena scene with The Worldwide Church of God and Ambassador college has all but disappeared into hundreds of sub sects.
So I have observed from the sidelines with my bowl of popcorn, “watching the movie of life”.
I have strong beliefs in right and wrong, honesty, personal integrity, loyalty and trustworthy-ness. There have been times that I missed "belonging" to something. My older kids went to a Methodist sponsored pre-school. When they got older and went to grade school, they showed interest in a kids group sponsored by a Baptist church, and I supported them. When both of my girls expressed interest in going to a version of the church I grew up in a couple of times, I let them go. I wanted a magic bullet -- something to latch on to, but never found it.
We are social creatures. We interact; there is wisdom in the group. Without it "social media" wouldn't be so popular today.
My parents were shining examples of church members. They participated and volunteered far above and beyond what they needed to do. Now however, I feel badly for them in their old age, without the support of a group. They never left it, but their church kind of left them. When they were young, they looked after the elderly in our church, making sure they were okay and driving them to church and checking in on them. I liked that about my folks, the way that they went above and beyond. I wish they had that now. I wish they had the love of a congregation too.
Having lived in California….. I HAVE SEEN IT ALL. And while I haven't found a congregation, I have dabbled. For a while it was the church of being free to be me, then the church of the PTA, and then the church of The Girl Scouts of America, and there was even a dalliance into the congregation of the local bar.........where lots of other lonely souls go to worship regularly.
I have a friend who is Buddhist and I have gone to meetings with her. The chanting is soothing and calming and, yes, transcendent.
I have friends involved in The Course in Miracles and one who is Daoist. I have friends who are ministers and who have written books on spirituality and the joy that their beliefs have brought them. One of my friends said to me recently, "Leslie, I would really like to see you involved in some sort of practice, something that you believe in and can commit to. I think it would bring you the peace to fill that empty spot in you that causes such anxiety." I appreciated her kind and insightful observation.
I kind of envy those people who boast about HOW AWESOME their God is. I wish I could have summa that! And yet, there is still the hesitation. I know that I don’t want to be atheist because they seem so ANGRY all of the time! And sarcastic! And furious with anyone who could be SO DUMB! I also am too curious and passionate to be agnostic. Am I, like Woody Allen, destined to always be questioning the meaning of life? Is that why he married his step daughter?
I know that I am not alone in this state of uncertainty and angst. Then there are the scriptures that live in my head, branded forever in my gray matter:
“Trust in the Lord, wait patiently for him, and he shall give thee thy hearts desires.”
“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor has it entered into the hearts of men, the things that God has prepared for them that love him.”
“Ask, and ye shall receive.”
“…..if God so clothes the grass of the field, shall he not much more clothe you, oh ye of little faith?”
These and others float around my head constantly – “I got a million of ‘em”
All of this has been MUCH on my mind of late. The last four years have been the HARDEST, most relentlessly financially desperate years of my life. Starving for your art AIN’T all it is cracked up to be!! I have this cartoon that lives in my head of me as an old woman among a pile of amazing designer knit wear that no one has ever seen! There is so much advice and so many meme's:
“Take it to God, turn it over to him”
“Be positive and grateful and you will attract positive energy towards you.”
“Work smarter -- not harder.”
“Turn it over to the universe, chant about it, the universe wants you to succeed.”
“Keep Calm and Carry On”
The words swirl around like a tornado in my brain!
The other night I woke up in such a state of confusion. I had left the ION channel on (one of the only 3 channels that I get without cable – the other being ION Life and Qubo – whatever that is). When they aren’t playing murder-y/detective/police shows or featuring the CUTLERY shopping network, they have preachers on!! I woke up to a man shouting – "GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE IN DEBT!!"
Whoa – that got my attention. He went on to say that God doesn’t want us to be without and live in run down conditions – he wants us to prosper and do well. I was taken aback and admittedly a bit dazed. For a minute, I kind of thought it was a message for me – so I listened more intently. He said that God wants us to reflect his love and live in the kind of houses that strangers want to stop and take pictures of – and maybe be a little envious of. Then he got me when he said...............
“BECAUSE, YOU KNOW..........
YOU’RE NOBODY ‘TIL SOMEBODY HATES YOU!”
AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I wanted to throw the nearest rotten tomato at the TV. If that was my message from that preacher -- I want no part of his idea of God.
So, here I am tonight, back in my chair with all my angst and questions, and my bowl of popcorn, watching the movie of life. Feel free to chime in if you want.
